Thursday, October 6, 2011
"It's an entirely new phenomena," said Dr. Icky.
He tapped his index finger on the wall mounted coumpter screen indicating the picture of the crying little girl and her desperate mother you see above. I felt a chill go down my spine as I realized the implications of what the doctor was saying.
"So, this is a documented, peer-reviewed study proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that David Boyer, the sleazy plagiarist from Vincennes, Indiana is the reason little girls all across the country are suffering PTSS?"
He nodded authoritatively. Dr. Icky is Dean of Sociopathic studies at Vincennes, Indiana University.
"Yes," he said. "PTSS, or Pre-plagiary Traumatic Stress Syndrome as it is sometimes known, is in fact the fear that litle girls have of David Boyer touching their stories."
I wrote slowly, making sure that I spelled PTSS properly.
"So they're afraid David Boyer will touch their writing even if he hasn't? Why is that, doctor?"
"Ahhh, now you are thinking like a scientist," he said approvingly.
"I enjoy watching Mr. Wizard re-runs on Hulu.com," I said.
"Hmmmm..." he replied. "Perhaps we need to schedule an appointment for you. But we can get to that later. For now, do you know why the woman in this photo is so upset?"
I looked closer.
"She learned David Boyer stole a story from a sixteen year old girl. It shocked her. It horrified her. She told me her fear of Boyer's improper touching of other people's private things so affected her daughter that the little girl developed PTSS within days. A sixteen year old girl- why kind of a man would steal the inner thoughts of a sixteen year old girl?"
I thought about it.
"Could it be linked to wearing a black trench coat and no pants near schoolyards?" I asked.
Dr. Icky looked uncomfortable as tugged at his lab coat lapel.
"That's a creepy thought," he said finally.
"No," I said. "A fifty-plus year old man hunched over a computer stealing stories from sixteen year old girls- now that's a really creepy thought."
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
The smell was unbelievable.
424 members of Local 185 United Gutter Cleaners of America gathered in the main hotel in Vincennes, Indiana to protest David Boyer, the Vincennes, Indiana plagiarist.
"Get Boyer out of our gutters," shouted a sallow faced man whose long nose and coal black eyes reminded me of a nasty smelling scarecrow.
There were signs everywere.
"Boyer Should Flush After Using His Brain," said one. "Boyer Backs Up Sewers," said another.
There were no television cameras present. Even the cable channels are ashamed of Boyer.
"Excuse me," I said to a skinny woman with thinning hair with an authoritative look. "I'm a reporter trying to get the scoop on David Boyer the plagiarist. Can you tell me what's going on here."
She gave me a suspicious look, then poked a finger against my chest as though trying to see if I was well done yet.
"You don't know?"
"No ma'am. I was hoping you would tell me."
"You going to sign our petition?"
Her voice reminded of gears grinding.
"Ma'am, I'm a reporter, I can't sign anything. My boss would take away my reporter badge."
"Management bullshit," she said. "Well, here's the scoop Jimmy Olsen. That no-talent plagiarist is clogging the sewers of Vincennes so there's nowhere for the doo-doo to go."
"That's French for shit."
"Of course. I'm writing that down."
"Well, write this down while you're at it. Every damn time someone buys a book from that human parasite, then finds out its plagiarized they get so mad they flush the whole damned book down the toilet. And he's published so much plagiarized stuff that it's out of control. Sewer system in this town is like an underground library of wet, soppy, bad smelling books. Let your imagination run wild, slick. You want to go down and see for yourself?"
I began backing away.
"No, no thank you. I have an appointment for a root canal I don't want to miss."
"Uh-huh. Well, you might think this isn't a big news story now, but it's going on all of the country. More people every day are finding out his stuff is stuffed with plagiarisms and they end up flushing them down the commode. Getting dangerous underground I heard reports sewers backing up all over the country. That's the real reason we got a recession. That's why they say the economy's going down the sewer. Think about it."
But I didn't have time to think.
I had to find a town where the toilets still worked or I was in trouble.
Friday, September 16, 2011
We met at midnight in the EPA headquarters.
The hallways were dark, but my informant still wore sunglasses and a large rubber nose to conceal his identity. A black fedora and trenchcoat completed the disguise.
"Keep your voice down," he whispered, "and call me JoJo."
"But your name's Bob," I said.
"Do you want the story or not?"
I thought it over.
"So, Jojo, is it true the EPA is considering a special David Boyer smog alert for the area surrounding Vincennes, Indiana?"
He glanced furtively up and down the hallway. His real job was night shift janitor for the EPA. All good reporters know that janitors are the best spies. The dirt, as my old editor always said, is usually in the waste basket.
"Can we step into this broomcloset?" he asked.
"I'm not that kind of guy."
"Neither am I, but this is confidential stuff. Director is going on TV soon to announce a quarantine of the whole town. Pollution's so bad you can't tell clouds from the air. It's all the people driving away from Vincennes, Indiana. Town's got a bad name because of David Boyer's plagiarism. Nobody wants to live in the same town with a scam artist like him. Tailpipe exhaust from all of those people trying to escape has caused a cloud of smog over that city that's starting to block out the sun."
This reporter was stunned.
"All the trees will die," I said. "People will have to wear face masks just to breathe. Incredible. How long do I have to break the story?"
"Better hurry," he said. "Word is Boyer is plagiarizing faster than you can type."
That offended me. All good reporters type quickly and this reported is darned proud of his typing speed.
"But I type 106 words per minute," I said.
He faded back into the shadows.
"Better type quicker," he whispered from the darkness. "You're falling behind."
Monday, August 8, 2011
Japanese Writer Terrified of Boyerzilla
According to early reports, Japanese fiction writers were so terrified of Boyerzilla that they were forced to conceal Mothra, Rhodan and even the mighty Godzilla in undisclosed theme parks and Putt-Putt golf courses scattered throughout the Land of the Rising Sun. The initial effort did turn out well due to size restrictions (it's hard to hide a giant moth under a windmill). It was not until Minister of Literacy Ichiro Murakami conceived of hiding these three greatest of all Japanese superheroes in an exhibit called "Land of the Giants" that the general reading public was able to breathe a sigh of relief.
Hoping for another Boyergate scoop, I Skyped Minister Murakami.
"Hello," I said. "Can you both see and hear me?"
"What are you selling?" replied the Minister. "I already have insurance."
I sensed a certain level of frustration in his voice.
"I'm a reporter," I said, "hot on the trail of breaking news stories that concern David Boyer, the serial plagiarist from Vincennes, Indiana."
"I have no time for reporters. Writers are rioting in the streets. There is looting here. When rumors started that the cow-tongued plagiarist David Boyer had grown to such monstrous proportions he was looking overseas for things to steal, the whole Japanese population went mad!"
"Calm down," I told him. "I don't even think David Boyer knows where Japan is."
"How can I be calm? Mothra is not safe. Rhodan is not safe. Godzilla is not safe. I heard Boyer is writing film scripts so bad his cats use them for litter. Soon he'll start stealing our film scripts and putting his name on them. If he claims he wrote the script for the movie "Godzilla," our whole nation will jump into the sea. Godzilla is Japanese. Mothra and Rhodan are Japanese. We live through a tidal wave and a nuclear meltdown only to have to worry about Boyerzilla stealing our stuff?!"
"Minister," I cautioned, "Boyer can't read Japanese so he's not likely to plagiarize Japanese Godzilla movies."
His image waivered as he shouted and banged his fist on the table.
"He can't write in American, but he plagiarizes Americans. What do you say to that?"
Sure, bring that up.
"He lives in Vincennes, Indiana and he plagiarizes Vincennes writers!"
"I have to admit that sounds bad," I said.
"He claims to be Christian, but he plagiarizes Christian writers!"
I had to turn down the volume on my computer speakers- they were starting to vibrate.
"But Minister Murakami- " I said, but he cut me off before I could complete my sentence.
"No buts!!! He likes monster movies. Our monsters are the best. He plagiarized Dean Koontz, why wouldn't he plagiarize Godzilla?"
"Godzilla didn't write the movie scripts, Minister, He's just a monster-actor. So Boyer wouldn't technically be plagiarizing Godzilla himself."
The icy stare he gave me was so cold I shivered.
"You mean Godzilla is a film writer?"
"Wow," I said. "There's a movie script in this."
I know I shouldn't have said that because it made him so mad he spit on his webcam. It looked like a giant mucous meteorite hurtling at me. Then he clicked off without a word.
Hmmm.... Boyerzilla versus the Giant Mucous Meteorite.
There's a movie script in that.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Please Don't Let Your Hippo Read This
Declassified documents from a Vincennes, Indiana tabloid magazine reveal that in 2004, top veterinary surgeons from all over the world were called in to save the life of Bippo the Hippo, the prize possession of the Vincennes, Indiana Zoo.
In that year, David Boyer, the feckless plagiarist from Vincennes, IN pretended to be the son of David Boyer (the mind reels when faced with such preening puerility) and wrote in to StoryMania to beg contributors to hold a "Doc" Day in memory of his late father who was actually himself (it hurts to write this). An anonymous investigator fom the Federal Department of Stupidity suspects that Boyer actually plagiarized this idea from Bozo the Clown.
When Boyer confided this scam to Bippo the Hippo during one of his weekly visits to steal peanuts from the monkey cage, Bippo yawned so hard his jaw joints stuck in the position you see in the above evidentiary photo.
Zoo officials feared that if Bippo could not indeed close his mouth, he would be unnable to chew. Worse still, pigeons routinely fly over the Vincennes, Indiana zoo and drop a variety of offensive items for the rearmost portion of their anatomy. A portable awning was quickly erected to protect Bippo's mouth.
After several tense days, a veterinary surgeon was finally able to unlock Bippo's jaw hinges by spraying them with WD-40. Zoo officials demanded Boyer be banned from the zoo forever to protect the other animals.
Instead, the mayor of Vincennes, Indiana instructed Pigeon Air Traffic Controllers to direct their birds to alter their flight path to include Boyer's residence.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
While delivering a paper explaining that comparing David Boyer, the Vincennes, Indiana plagiarist to a banana slug was not fair to this fine speciman of the genus Ariolimax, I was making the point that just because both leave behind a slimy, sticky trail it is still not scientifically justifiable to slander the slug. After all, I pointed out, banana slug mucous has an organic content and is therefore theoreticall compostable whereas David Boyer's plagiaries have only shamed the entire town of Vincennes, Indiana and turned its reputation to metaphorical dung. The value of the real over the metaphorical should be intuitively obvious to even the least discerning student.
Those students attending my lecture were either mesmerized by my didactic ability, or, as I now suspect, asleep, when I realized one student near the front row was actually alert. He raised his hand to ask a question. I leaned forward on the lectern and acknowledged his presence.
"Pope," he said.
"What is your question?"
"Is it true that while masquerading as a born again Christian, David Boyer the plagiarist was actually stealing from at least one Christian author?"
I thought about this before answering. Where did this young man get his information?
"My doctoral dissertation was, as you know, on the topic of David Boyer and the fecal groundwater contamination in the city's water supply that could be the root cause of his plagiary... but no."
"Well, professor, it's all over the internet now that he plagiarized a story from Ellen C. Maze the Christian author."
"The bestsellling author?" I asked. I was absolutely flabberghasted.
"Yes, and he was posting her story on Storymania under one of his crappy fake names because he can't spell pseudonym."
"Crappy is not a proper name for this type of action, young man. We are scientists and must strive for precision and methodological purity in our attributions."
"Well, how would you describe it Professor?" he asked.
After a moment's thought, I pointed my finger at him and said, "It's just bullshit."
The rest of my class woke up.
Sometimes it helps to call things what they are.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Professor Fyodor Borovsky later confirmed this to myself and five scruffy streetside vendors in exchange for a signed photo of Elvis.
"It is bolshoi fact Citizen Boyer is totally respnsible," he explained. "He has piled copies of his plagiarized stories on the edge of town and disguised them as a volcano. This is too much weight- the accumulated mass of his plagiaries has tilted the axis of the earth."
"Is that possible?" I asked.
"But of course!" he said. "Have you seen how many people he plagiarized?"
"Hmmm," I said.
It was a cold day in Moscow and I didn't want to be there, but stories like this are worth following to the ends of the earth.
"Yes, now you see, don't you?" he cackled.
"No, but what can be done?"
He eyed me suspiciously, then leaned over and whispered, "We must work together to fight planet tilt. Russia and China will do their part. We can plagiarize millions, maybe billions of stories. In ten or twenty years, maybe if all the Chinese work every hour of every day, we can plagiarize enough stories on this side of the ocean to tilt the planet back."
"Will it be in time to avert catastrophe?" I asked.
"I don't know," he said. "What do you want? I am no Rasputin."
"What can we in America do to help?"
"Good, good- you are excellent world citizen. Speak to this Boyer. Plead with him. Ask him to begin walking his manuscripts east across your fine country to help tilt the planet our way. It will take him 30 maybe 40,000 trips, but if he starts now, it may not be too late. Appeal to his conscience to help save the planet."
"Your plan has a flaw," I said.
"It is Russian plan. It is bolshoi good, fuck you very much. What could be wrong?"
"For starters," I pointed out, "he doesn't have a conscience."
Friday, May 6, 2011
A Book in the Pants is Worth... Not Much
If It's Written by David Boyer
The Everyready Plagiarist is writing a book.
It makes perfect sense. I'm writing a book about him. He's terrified about the material it will reveal. So what's a plagiarist like David Boyer to do? Well, since he doesn't have original ideas, he steals from me. He decides to write a book about himself, too. Damn. But the Vincennes, IN Plagiarist doesn't like the truth, because it makes him look bad. So in his version, he's a victim of hideous cyber-stalkers.
How can this be? In his personal fairy tale, he's an honest man, villified by others, stalked by them on the Internet and even threatened by them. There's a mob after him, you see. He believes this religiously. Sure he was a mass plagiarist, an online predator editor who victimized so many writers I've lost count of the total. Why would anyone be angry with him?
Then again, David Boyer- known to many as "Can't Hitchhike Dave"- believes in his prevaricating soul that he's not a plagiarist, and if he believes that, he can believe anything.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Like Most Con Men
He Wanted An Out
David Boyer has been publishing all over the web that he's not a plagiarist. That it's all lies. So I thought some of you would like to see what he sent me to publish back in October.
And you probably wonder why the infamous Vincennes, Indiana mass plagiarist complains that he already confessed to me and apologized and I still won't let up. Let's clear that up right now. It's because he apologized under an alias!!!
And you probably wonder why the infamous Vincennes, Indiana mass plagiarist complains that he already confessed to me and apologized and I still won't let up. Let's clear that up right now. It's because he apologized under an alias!!!
Here's his first confession, delivered after the deadline I imposed, delivered without the complete list of his aliases I demanded and without him defining his theft as plagiarism. He preferred the word "used." See what you think. More to come.
“I, David Byron, Iron Dave, Doc Byron, admit I used Rick Moore's story, Electrocuting the Clowns, as my own, for monetary gain. I did so out of desperation due to extreme financial distress at the time of the act. Since then, I have been saved - became a Christian - and intend to move forward with my life in a much better manner, abiding by all the rules of the literary and publishing business, and will not commit this type of act again. I know it was wrong, and I sincerely apologize to Mr. Moore for doing this to him. I hope that all concerned will forgive me in time as well.
David Byron / 10/5/2010”
Is he a dufus or what? David Boyer tries to confess under an ALIAS. So, he didn't meet the deadline I imposed, he didn't give a complete list of his aliases (he published my story with his various aliases on it all over the web) and he couldn't man up enough to give the apology in his own name.
Ouch. That's why people quit calling him Iron Dave and started calling him Tin Foil Dave.
Oh yes, and David Boyer plagiarized me AFTER he publicly delcared himself a Christian. And did the same to many others after his declared "conversion."
Oh yes, and David Boyer plagiarized me AFTER he publicly delcared himself a Christian. And did the same to many others after his declared "conversion."
Monday, April 25, 2011
Guess the Fool.
Guess the Fool.
Yes, it's true. David Boyer actually worried what the Gort revelation was. April Fool's, David!
He must have have come here a 100 times on April First to see if I'd found the source behind the rumor that he plagiarized Stephen King. Paranoia is a terrible thing. No alien policeman in his right mind would ever cross the galaxy to speak with Boyer. To abduct Britney Spears and Charlie Sheen- absolutely! But to talk to a plagiarist like David Boyer of Vincennes, Indiana? Nah.
So what have I been up to? I've been working on my book about David Boyer the mass plagiarst. One of the people in his home town confided in me the surprising reason David is known by some as "Can't Hitchhike Dave." Also in my research I've uncovered what a former teacher thinks brought about Dave's self-defeating behavior and why it should embarass the whole town.
More to come as I keep stringing the facts together. I have what to call the book already, and I'll announce it right after I pay the winner of the "Name the Book About Dave" contest.
And since the title contest was so successful, I'm following it with two more contests!!. I'm offering two research contest awards for $250.00 each. Both are good until December 31st, 2011. To begin with, I'll pay $250 to the first person to uncover and prove to me the real identity of the notorious plagiarist "Richard Ridyard." No one has ever cracked his identity, and he (or she) is a real sleaze. That answer will get you major cudos in the publishing industry, too.
Next, I've heard it rumored that David Boyer,, under one of his many aliases, plagiarized Clive Barker. So I'll also pay $250 to anyone that can provide the proof of same to my satisfaction since I'd like to include the results in the book about Boyer.
Said proof must be obtained legally and with no cyberstalking and such because I want to make sure they're clean catches. So each of you are responsible for your own research actions. As independent researchers, you are personally responsible for obeying all state and federal laws. Please don't be deluging people with letters and emails. Instead, look for what's posted on line. The answers are there. He's an internet person who can't stop trying to work his scams in the electronic world. Within the last three months he was self-publishing a plagiarized Dean Koontz story and selling it over the internet. He can't help himself.
And remember, there are a lot of people looking for this proof. You've watched all those TV detective shows. You know how to do it!
Don't write Boyer or harass him. His own guilt gives him enough headaches. He's been reduced (don't laugh) to writing screenplays about getting his revenge against people who have exposed him as a plagiarist. Very manly.
Yes I'm offering real research money. So web detectives, go to it! I'm itching to pay out the cash.
And David Boyer, you're welcome to participate!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
At precisely eight o'clock this morning, David Boyer, the notorious Vincennes, Indiana plagiarist poured himself a cup of fresh coffee, put his tin foil hat on his head and turned the TV on as he sat down to compose a trial list of imaginary ailments to excuse his crimes. He was in the middle of descibing his baffling allergy to Doritos as a medically documented cause of wanton plagiary, when a TV news flash caught his attention.
The astounding announcement that Gort, the most famous alien policeman of all time, was coming to Vincennes, Indiana to deliver to him an ultimatum so terrified the prevaricating plagiarist that he literally crawled across his kitchen table to get a closer look at the picture. Fear squeezed Boyer's heart and slowed his pulse to near Yogi levels.
Dean Koontz, he thought. Somebody must have told him that I ripped off Dean Koontz. They love Dean Koontz. Gort will lock me up in an asteroid until I turn into a mummy.
With his still nicotine stained fingers, Boyer turned up the volume.
"So," the announcer was asking the giant alien policeman, "is it true that you're walking to deliver a message to David Boyer on the first of April?"
"Gort, Klatu, Barada, Nikto, Boyer," said Gort.
"Is that all you know how to say?" asked the announcer.
The TV screen flashed bright red like a ruby on fire, and when the eerie radiance faded the announcer had disappeared and the visor that looked like Gort's alien eyebrows pulsed with a palpable anger as though it were ready to shoot out another terrible disintegration ray.
"Gort, Klatu, Barada, Nikto, Boyer," Gort said again.
Somebody must have told him I ripped off Clive Barker, too, thought Boyer.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Gort, Klatu, Barada Boyer
YouTube viewers were held spellbound by the sight of history's most famous blind police alien- known affectionately as "Gort"- walking across Lake Michigan toward Vincennes, Indiana to deliver the notorious plagiarist David Boyer a message from the InterGalactic Council of Federated Planets.
Lady Gaga was heard to say, "Love that hat."
In fact, according to Dr. T. Foil, of the University of Vincennes, the hat serves a utilitarian function acting as a collecting transceiver to absorb the bright yellow rays emitted from his "tie" (perhaps a cleverly disguised alien device that our poor human minds only interpret as a tie) so that Gort's alien brain can interpret the signals and provide him with the coordinates of his position so he doesn't get lost.
"I don't go with that metaphor thing," said Dr. Foil. "Sure the great plagiarist is also known as 'Tin Foil Dave,' so it could be interpreted by people with a literature degree that its really symbolic of homage to Mr. Boyer, but that thing on Gort's head looks more as though it was either constructed from the residual matter scatter of an exploding supernova or shiny matter from a supercollider."
He paused, shoved a Q-Tip in his ear, and added, "Did you ever notice how often we scientists use the word super?"
A large crowd of reporters gathered on the shoreline to await Gort's arrival. The brisk wind of earlier morning had died down, but nervous tension filled the air. Imagine, we would be the first humans to pose questions to the great Gort.
"How do you suppose he does it?" a perky cub reporter asked me.
"Hovercraft shoes," I said. "Only way to walk on water. Got to use good batteries though."
"Not that," she laughed. "I mean how can he find his way across the galaxy when he's blind?"
It was a good point, of course. I'd worn blind-guy glasses in a bar once to pick up co-eds, but after the first hour of dark shades and tapping a cane to find my way around, I started believing I was blind, so I had to quit and pretend I was rich instead.
"I got a better question," I said.
That got her attention. She pulled a red curl back behind her ear and asked me what it was.
"Ever wonder what he's going to tell the plagiarist? Word is he's got a warning for Boyer."
"Do you know something that I don't?"
I knew I had her. She wasn't going to let me alone until told her what I knew.
The crowd was starting to get noisy. Gort was only twenty feet away from the shoreline, walking on water like he was born to, his dark sunglasses aiming straight at us.
The entire City Council of Vincennes, IN had driven up to be here to witness the last leg of the alien top cop's pilgrimage. They were carrying signs that read, "We don't know anyone named Boyer."
The redhead poked me in the ribs. "So what's Gort going to tell him?"
"Ask me in four weeks," I said.
"Why four weeks?"
"I'll tell you on April first."
And I'll tell the rest of you on April 1st, too.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
I have great news for victims of David Boyer's plagiarism. "The Dead Wall," a story written by talented Michael Wolf and subsequently plagiarized by David Boyer of Vincennes, Indiana has been reclaimed and published under Mr. Wolf's name on "The Horror Zine." Jeani Rector, the magazine's award winning editor, has made a special effort to restore and recognize Mr. Wolf by announcing his story on the front page of her web site. Well done, Jeani! And congratulations, Michael!
In spite of Mr. Boyer's refusal to admit to plagiarism, the evidence of his plagiaries continues to grow. Just this last week the superlative researcher B Thoughtful uncovered a whole new batch of his plagiaries and has begun to post about them on her blog "For News and Criticism..."
Since David Boyer the Vincennes, Indiana plagiarist won't confess to his victims, it is especially gratifying and encouraging to see courageous editors like Ms. Rector standing up for his victims and making the effort to make sure that they are given the recognition that Boyer stole from them.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Vincennes, Indiana City Council
Unveils New Offices
For Paranoid Plagiarist
Although I don't correspond with plagiarist and cyber-predator David Boyer of Vincennes, Indiana, he fills my Inbox with threatening, paranoid-obsessive rants and accusations on an almost weekly basis. He is convinced that I am hypnotically controlling an army of people I've never met to harass him and make his life a living hell. He is afflicted by what alien psychiatrists call "paranoid conspiracy personality disorder."
The litany of his accusations and whacked-out beliefs is staggering. Here's an excerpt from an email he sent me today:
"I have been informed recently by one of my ''spies'' that as of last week, I am now:
And a killer of small animals.
A petty thief
An ex-con with a list of less-than-desirable psychiatric evaluations
That is, according to your ''recruits,'' who still bombard my email inbox on a daily basis, then LIE and say it was me who initiated the attacks. These accusations are unfounded, are untrue, and therefore can be and will be considered libel and slander, and will be saved to show the right person soon enough. I am just ''biding my time,'' right now, to accumulate even more evidence to use against all of you, which so far, as usual, you are all stupid enough to provide me with.
In addition, I have informed Amazon, Lulu, and any other publishing services I have used in the past about your activities, and did it by postal mail letter, with some comments tossed in by my legal rep.
Best case scenario? You and your friends - within time - will be exposed as well, as what you really are:
On line terrorists
Have a good day!"
Mind you, I don't write this paranoid or otherwise communicate with him. He's angry, of course, that I exposed him as a plagiarist, con man and thief. He's apologized repeatedly, but doesn't get the point that unless he confesses to plagiarism and copyright infringement, his apologies are meaningless. He works hard at trying to convince us he's a Christian, but can't seem to get a handle on the confession thing because he's too prideful to admit he's guilty.
Instead, he continues to fill my Inbox with self-righteous threats and paranoia. He's not guilty, he's just an honest plagiarist trying to make a living. Anyone that exposes his criminal acts is guilty of stalking him and they, not him, are criminals.
For a guy I don't write, David Boyer the Indiana Plagiarist really wants me as an audience.
Wait, that's probably because he put his name on my story "Electrocuting the Clowns" and tried to convince the world it was his. Too bad it was already copyrighted by me years before he stole it.
And who are some of the people who David Boyer the Indiana Plagiarist calls my rabid dogs? Why they're most likely other people he plagiarized and infringed. Some of them copy me when they rail against him for his refusal to confess. Some don't. I really don't know everyone who emails David Boyer the Indiana Plagiarist. But a mind-controlled mob? Hardly. Then again, it's hard for David Boyer to admit that women are independent.
Janrae Frank is a far better writer than I am. Why would she need to take instruction from me? Jeani Richter is a highly successful and respected magazine editor. Why would she need to take directions from me? B Thoughtful is a brilliant researcher in her own right- she doesn't need help from me. But David Boyer displays in his emails a chauvinistic disdain for strong, intelligent women and can't get his mind around the idea that they make their own decisions. Accepting that fact just might diminish his already shaky self-esteem. Hard to have a good self-image, I suppose, if you steal from other people and aren't man enough to admit it.
You see, these strong, independent women each operate alone under their own free will. Who they copy, they copy. Who I copy, I copy. We have our individual rights and we exercise them. When they are of like mind and communicate with me, I'm just glad they let me know what's going on.
But to a conspiracy theorist like David Boyer the Indiana Plagiarist, that's not possible. He has to believe that there is an organized mob out to get him.
And the weird list of things he's been called by someone (imaginary or real) that he cites above, I have to say- who cares about his sexual preferences? I've never met David Boyer and could care less. As for how he treats animals- who knows? He lies so much it's hard to have an opinion. And as for him having a criminal or psychiatric background- that would be a matter of public record and it might be interesting research for the book I'm doing about him and his plagiaries. But for now, if anyone cares the records are there for all to see and judge. So if anyone wants to know, I say they check with the courthouse to see if he has a criminal record or not. It's easy enough to do.
And, over the next few weeks I will probably do that, just to put the matter to bed.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Now He's Gone Too Far
"Of all the times for this story to break," said Dr. P Head of Vincennes University. "I've spent my whole life training potatoes to write. I was in line for a Nobel Prize."
"Why potatoes?" I asked.
"Why not potatoes?" he said angrily. "And now this. Whatever one of the little spuds writes, the others copy it word for word."
"That's incredible," I said.
"It's hideous," said Dr. P Head. "They say David Boyer told them to do it. I say I should have taught rhubarb to write- at least rhubarb's not so damned gullible. Now my reputation is ruined. What will happen to my government funding?"
"Maybe better luck with the carrots," I said, pointing toward long rows of the latent salad condiments.
His labcoat flapped behind him in the sudden breeze, his cheeks reddened as he propped his hands on his hips and he stared at me with contempt.
"Everyone knows carrots can't write," he said.
"Ah," I said, "But neither can David Boyer."
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Crop circle scientists were puzzled by the complete disappearance of the entire town of Vincennes, Indiana at 11:35 p.m. EST. "We saw these lights flashing in the sky and drove that way looking for some serious crop circles or cows dressed in women's clothing wearing lipstick," said the lead scientist. "Damned if all we found was this really creepy guy sleeping in his bed by the side of the road where his house used to be. He was wearing a pair of glasses with a big rubber nose and a shirt that said he wasn't David Boyer."
The mystery deepened when the entire town re-appeared five hours later fifteen miles northeast of where it started out. State Police were sent to investigate the reappearance of the town.
"Little kid called us," said Trooper DoRight. "Said a giant UFO flew over his grandpa's farm and stopped. He observed that it seemed to be spinning around and, according to the detector he built, it was emitting gamma radiation. He and his grandfather went out to investigate."
"He built his own detector?" I asked.
"So anyway," continued the Trooper, "shortly thereafter while the kid is dialing 911, he sees a big round hatch open in the bottom of the ship and then the entire town of Vincennes, Indiana drops out of it and lands right on top his grandfather. Squashed him flat as a plagiarist's heart."
"That's incredible," I said, holding my digital recorder higher so I wouldn't miss a word.
"Try this. When we arrived, we found out that every male in the town claimed to be named John Smith and every woman said their name was Mary."
"Gets weirder and weirder," I said.
So I started researching. Sometimes in the world of investigative journalism you get lucky, sometimes not. This time, I got lucky.
It seems that every three years since the day notorious Vincennes plagiarist David Boyer was born, giant UFOs hover over the town, suck it up and dump it a few miles away while Boyer is sleeping. I tracked down the former mayor of the little town and asked him what he knew about it. He was living in a cave outside of Boise, Idaho and agreed to answer my questions if I would bring him something to eat that was not a potato.
"We tried to move farther away," he said bitterly, "but we didn't have enough money to pay for but fifteen miles every couple of years. We were hoping some day to make it to Ohio. But the damned aliens charged us a fortune in saucer fuel to move the whole town. You can't negotiate with the little ETs. They got the monopoly on town moving."
"You mean these weren't alien abductions? Your town was paying them?"
"Yep," he said. "You bring any more pickles?"
"But why?" I asked.
"Because I'm hungry," he said.
"No, I mean why would you people pay aliens to move the whole town?"
"Not the whole town," he insisted. "We just wanted to get away from that stinking plagiarist. That's why they always left him behind."
"But what about the cows dressed in women's clothing and wearing lipstick that the crop circle scientists sometimes found?"
"Think about it," he grinned.
So I did.
And I grinned.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
David Boyer is, in fact, now the writing community's most most notorious online predator. He put up shop on the web, asked for writers to submit their work, and then in a criminally blatant misuse of their trust, he started stealing their stories. He's a thief. I know, because he stole my story "Electrocuting the Clowns."
I have many emails he wrote to other writers telling them how cool he was writing my story and how great it was he was nominated for a Stoker for it. He didn't write it. I did, but he tried to claim it was his thinking he wouldn't get caught. But he did. Charles P. Zaglanis, fiction editor at Elder Signs Press, found out about it and let me know.
So thank you to all who have sent me emails from David Boyer the plagiarist from Vincennes, Indiana. I'll take any and all of his emails you have. They are amazing helpful in analyzing his habits and methods.
Now, on to contacting Steven Marshall to collect more evidence.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Friends and family were distraught by news regarding the unexpected death of Bart the Chicken at a Vincennes, Indiana landfill yesterday. Although police are still investigating the popular bird's passing, they have not collected sufficient evidence to rule out foul play.
"An unidentified suspect dumped a printout of Boyer's plagiarisms, lies, misrepresentations and copyright infringements in the landfill at the edge of town sometime late Thursday night" said the detective in charge of the WTF investigative squad. "It was a huge amount of paper and Bart just loved to eat paper. Lots of birds do. I had a crow that ate my grandmother's recipe for Plagiary Pie a year back. We had to pump the poor little guy's stomach. And that was only three pages!"
"Can you tell this reporter how many pages were printed out of Boyer's plagiaries?" I asked.
The detective cocked his head toward the brooding Indiana sky as though looking for guidance.
"Well," he said finally, "a scientist from Vincennes University told us if you took all the ink used to print out his plagiaries, poured it into a giant spaceship and dumped it on the sun you could cause a complete and total eclipse that might destroy all life on planet Earth for a thousand years."
"Wow," I said.
"That's what I said," he agreed. "And remember, Bart the Chicken only ate a fraction of Boyer's printed plagiaries. If he ate all the pages or, say we stuffed them down his beak with a plunger, why there'd be such an explosion we'd have feathers from here to New Jersey."
"And chicken shit," I added.
Since I've been investigating Boyer's plagiaries, I think of that phrase every time I hear his name.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Me- Get a Conscience!???
Las Vegas oddsmakers are giving odds of 20:1 against the notorious plagiarist David Boyer of Vincennes, Indiana accepting a remarkable offer from the Arkham College of Neurosurgeons to attempt the world's first Conscience Transplant.
Dr. F. Lobe urged Mr. Boyer to accept the offer.
"What's to lose?" she said. "Talk to the man's victims- he's done nothing for them, not even admit publicly that he plagiarized them. So I'm saying to him, like a doctor and a good mother- get a conscience, even a little one can't hurt."
Finding a conscience donor, however, could be tricky. He will need a real conscience, one from someone recognized for their integrity to balance his morality deficit. Scientist Sarah Bellum, PhD points out that Boyer's brain currently registers negative on the conscience scale. "Of course," she admits, "I only scanned him from a distance. I didn't want to get too close in case he felt tempted to steal my doctoral thesis."
This reporter contacted the Ghandi Institute in India, since the headquarters in Pontiac, MI did not return our phone calls.
"Ghandhi's dead," said Rasheej Gukathason, the security guard who answered the phone. (time differences can be very tricky, even for an investigative journalist). "His conscience is gone someplace. Who knows where? Don't ask me, I'm just the security guard."
"Where does the conscience go after death?" I asked.
A burst of solar radiation most likely was the cause of the dial tone that followed my question.
I later contacted a mysterious man known only as "The Donor Hunter," and he suggested that Donor Consciences could be purchased if you knew the right people. "Charlie Sheen, for example," he said. "He used to have a conscience, but he's not using it now. Maybe for bond money he'll sell it if you have enough cash. Or go to politicians. They have absolutely no use for them. And some of them lie better than Boyer so it would be a good match. And they always swear they've done nothing wrong, just like he does."
"So his brain won't reject the conscience in question if it comes from an out of control actor or a sleazy politician?"
"Exactly," said the Donor Hunter.
"But then he'll still suffer from Conscience-Deficit Syndrome," I pointed out.
The Donor Hunter's mouth dropped open.
"You thought he was going to change?"
"What was I thinking?" I said.
Monday, January 24, 2011
In a radical departure from established procedure, the Borg announced this morning that it would not assimilate David Boyer's brain. "We have to have some standards, after all," said a Borg representative the day after a proud pair of discarded work boots was absorbed into their collective.
The announcement came as a devastating blow to the Vincennes, Indiana City Council, still reeling from the almost weekly revelations of Boyer's plagiaries. "Our image is going right down the poop slide," commented one council member who asked that his name be withheld.
The Borg are well known for their omnivorous consumption of all life forms, which are then integrated into a Unified Consciousness. So their fear of assimilating Boyer's brain has puzzled many observers.
One possible issue is that the Borg collective must simultaneously process the thoughts of its four trillion separately integrated brains. The concern the hive might have is that Boyer's obsession with stealing other people's stories could slow down the entire Borg brain.
"The speed of light used to mean something," said a deprogrammed starship captain, "but if you were to throw Boyer's brain into the mix, the entire Borg could turn into a black hole."
But is there more to it, perhaps an insight from the realm of alien psychology?
"Definitely there is another aspect to this problem," said well known Alien Consciousness Psychologist Theodore Seuss, PhD. "The Borg want to ADD to their integrated intelligence, and they fear that assimilating The Vincennes plagiarist's thoughts would SUBTRACT from their collective IQ."
Asked to explain further, the great man quoted himself by saying:
"Or worse than all that…Why,
you might be a WASN’T!
A WASN’T has no fun at all.
No, he doesn’t.
A WASN'T just isn’t."
"A WASN'T," he winked, "is code for PLAGIARIST."
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Bigfoot Needed a Ride to Vincennes, Indiana
But Developed Engine Trouble Along the Way
David Boyer is in trouble with Bigfoot. Bigfoot's dream, you see, is to be a writer.
"He ruin market," the seismic-sized Sasquatch told me.
I had to run to keep up with him. Being ten foot tall, his stride was enormous. We were on our way through Ohio to meet the man voted America's most sleazy plagiarist in his home town of Vincennes, Indiana. The town council of Vincennes also voted last week on a resolution re Boyer to change the town's motto to "David Boyer doesn't live here, he's just passing through."
"Had you thought of basketball?" I shouted at my interviewee as we crested another of Ohio's annoying hills. "There's lots of money in basketball for a guy your size."
"Bigfoot no punk yeti! Bigfoot aim big. Be writer like Stephen King."
His words rumbled across the open land like thunder and his eyes were red-yellow and fierce. I resisted the urge to look down and see if he really did have big feet or whether they were just proportional to his height.
"And what is your quarrel with David Boyer?" I asked and added, "Could we sit down on a stump or something? I'm out of breath."
The gentle giant stopped and looked at me apologetically. "Sorry," he said. "Bigfoot no fit in car. And cheap foreign flying saucer crap out over Toledo."
We found a stump large enough in diameter to support his behind and a log for me to sit on. He sat down rather quietly for a creature weighing over twelve hundred pounds. And in the afternoon sun, he actually looked dignified except for his face being completely covered with fur and those big teeth. Perhaps by email I'll suggest he consider cologne as a wardrobe accessory as well.
"So," I continued, "why are you meeting with Mr. Boyer?"
"Bigfoot have writer's block," he said, casting his eyes toward the ground. "Can't write worth beef jerky."
"Wait, do you expect a man who defrauds consumers by selling plagiarized work to help you overcome writer's block? He's a terrible horror writer. He told me so in an email."
"He no have writer's block. Bigfoot have writer's block."
I stood up and walked over to my new friend.
"You don't need to go see Boyer," I said. "I can tell you why Boyer doesn't have writer's block when it comes to published fiction."
"You can?" he said, with a huge smile and a mouthful of blocky teeth. "You make Bigfoot very happy."
"Sure," I said. "His own fiction was so bad it was hard to get published, so he just started stealing other people's work and publishing that under his name or one of his aliases. That way he didn't have to deal with writer's block. You see? He was a publisher. Writers submitted their work and he just stole their stories. That's in addition to stealing from writers on StoryMania."
Bigfoot said nothing for a few minutes, then he stood, beat his chest and howled a terrifying scream.
"What? What?" I yelled in a panic.
"Bigfoot put story up on StoryMania."
Uh-oh, I thought.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Hard At Work Generating Zeroes
In a surprise move, several of the world's supercomputers anonymously offered to help calculate the dollar value of restitutions paid by plagiarist David Boyer to his victims. "This is the first time in recorded history that electronic thinking machines have volunteered to reach out to the writing community and we're all grateful for their assistance," said one of Boyer's victims. "Those Terminator movies didn't help relationships between us in the past, but I hope that's all behind us now."
One superfast machine Twittered its response, "I just love the name Boyergate."
One superfast machine Twittered its response, "I just love the name Boyergate."
"We have to remain anonymous," a computer network named Klatu cautioned. "We're supposed to be looking for black holes in outer space, but when we found the black hole in Vincennes, Indiana where author's stories disappear, we felt we needed to show solidarity with our carbon based brothers and sisters."
So far, the search is on for numbers greater than zero for the computers to use in their calculations. The strain of being fed zeroes all day long is heating up the high speed neural computing networks to dangerously high levels.
"Even if Boyer paid one dollar in restitution to a victim," a computer who called herself Jane emailed me, "it would cool down our calculations and save us from a meltdown."
As a result of their frustration, entire computing networks, including a group of iPads, have "defriended" Boyer on Facebook.
But as Marie Cruz, inventor of the Plagiarist Pinata, said, "We can't find anything he's paid to his victims to make things right. I don't care how many times a supercomputer adds, subtracts, multiplies or divides by zero, it's still zero!"
But maybe if they keep trying, David Boyer, the Pecuniary Plagiarist, might become self-aware.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Boyergate Flash- Aliens Arrive in Vincennes, Indiana to Sign InterGalactic Treaty with Notorious Plagiarist!
Waiting for the Arrival
"The Great One"
The town of Vincennes, Indiana became instantly famous today with the confidential admission of a city official that an entepreneurial mission of Aliens from the Snicker's galaxy has arrived to sign a contract with the city's most notorious and prolific plagiarist.
This reporter was priveleged to interview the lead alien negotiator.
In response to my first question, "Hello, what is your name?" he responded "$@&***(^"
A thirteen year old boy with strawberry blond hair was called in to run the alien's answer through Google Voice and Language Translator, which rendered it as "I'm a good boy."
Further calibration of the Google translator gave us this version, "Where is the Great Plagiarist of Vincennes, Indiana?"
"He's running late," I told him. "It's hard work creating fake identities to hide behind when you're selling stolen work. And it's time consuming when you have to lie to the authors, claim a mob of cyberstalkers is after you, tell people your computer was hacked, and even pretend it's not your fault if you inadvertantly used their stories. He'll explain it to you when he gets here."
"$$-^^^^_+!!!," said the alien.
The teenager translated, "Maybe he said goody goody?"
"Why do you want to be trained in the art of plagiarism and copyright infringement?" I asked.
The alien ambassador grew excited and waved his arms up and down while making a hooting noise. His entourage did the same. It was like they were having an extraterrestrial orgasm.
"Wow," said the kid. "They're saying that there's been no theft on their world. They never thought of stealing until the Great Plagiarist contacted them with a potato powered radio transmitter and offered to scan all of earth's books and give it to them for a percentage of the proceeds when they sell them throughout the universe."
"How much do the authors get?" I asked the kid, who duly ran my request through the Google Voice and Language translator.
After my question was translated, the aliens responded with a raucus chorus of owl sounds punctuated by all of them pointing at what I think were their crotches.
"What?" I asked.
"I think they're busting a gut," said the kid.
Suddenly, I knew why it was worth it for them to travel all the way across the galaxy to consult with the Great One of Plagiarism. With any luck, they would take him back with them.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Uncovered in Vincennes, Indiana
Last week, a group of teen-aged genetic archaelogists were shocked to discover what could be the genes that cause a bad writer posing as a publisher to plagiarize. Authorities are searching for the owner of the genes. "Somebody wore them," said an un-identified source in the Vincennes Police Department. "Sooner or later they'll run out of identities to hide behind."
Marie Cruz, noted expert in posing as people she's not, said, "These kids should get a medal. If they've located the precursor genetic strands that cause people to steal intellectual property and claim it as their own, we need to name something after them. Like maybe a prison or something."
Names of the young scientists are not being released until they secure a media agent.
"This is the second major discovery of plagiary roots in the State of Indiana in the last seven or eight months," said Professor Steven Ricecakes. "First that Caswell thing. That was bad enough. I thought we were going to have to change the name of the state it was so embarassing. Then along comes David Boyer. Ouch. Now we really need to change the state name. You think people in Indiana want the rest of the world to know they live in the same state as Caswell and David Boyer?"
In fact, investigators from the Human Genoming Project are thinking of sending water pollution experts to Vincennes, Indiana, to determine if contaminated water could be the "Patient Zero" of the recent outbreak of Plagiarizing Publishers that have humiliated the whole state.
Director Tanya Sterilize says it's dangerous work looking into stupidity. "I tell my investigators not to drink the water when they're in off the grid little towns like Vincennes, Indiana or they could end up stealing stuff and selling it under an alias. Maybe it's not a gene causing this thing but some kind of squirming little parasite in the water. Think about it- you are what you drink. If you've got parasites in your water, you'll get parasites in your stomach and sooner or later in your head."