Monday, August 1, 2011

Boyer Fakes Death Hoping Someone Will Care

Please Don't Let Your Hippo Read This

Declassified documents from a Vincennes, Indiana tabloid magazine reveal that in 2004, top veterinary surgeons from all over the world were called in to save the life of Bippo the Hippo, the prize possession of the Vincennes, Indiana Zoo.

In that year, David Boyer, the feckless plagiarist from Vincennes, IN pretended to be the son of David Boyer (the mind reels when faced with such preening puerility) and wrote in to StoryMania to beg contributors to hold a "Doc" Day in memory of his late father who was actually himself (it hurts to write this).  An anonymous investigator fom the Federal Department of Stupidity suspects that Boyer actually plagiarized this idea from Bozo the Clown.

When Boyer confided this scam to Bippo the Hippo during one of his weekly visits to steal peanuts from the monkey cage, Bippo yawned so hard his jaw joints stuck in the position you see in the above evidentiary photo. 

Zoo officials feared that if Bippo could not indeed close his mouth, he would be unnable to chew.  Worse still, pigeons routinely fly over the Vincennes, Indiana zoo and drop a variety of offensive items for the rearmost portion of their anatomy.  A portable awning was quickly erected to protect Bippo's mouth.

After several tense days, a veterinary surgeon was finally able to unlock Bippo's jaw hinges by spraying them with WD-40.  Zoo officials demanded Boyer be banned from the zoo forever to protect the other animals.

Instead, the mayor of Vincennes, Indiana instructed Pigeon Air Traffic Controllers to direct their birds to alter their flight path to include Boyer's residence.

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