Saturday, July 30, 2011
Boyergate Flash! David Boyer Steals from Christians
While delivering a paper explaining that comparing David Boyer, the Vincennes, Indiana plagiarist to a banana slug was not fair to this fine speciman of the genus Ariolimax, I was making the point that just because both leave behind a slimy, sticky trail it is still not scientifically justifiable to slander the slug. After all, I pointed out, banana slug mucous has an organic content and is therefore theoreticall compostable whereas David Boyer's plagiaries have only shamed the entire town of Vincennes, Indiana and turned its reputation to metaphorical dung. The value of the real over the metaphorical should be intuitively obvious to even the least discerning student.
Those students attending my lecture were either mesmerized by my didactic ability, or, as I now suspect, asleep, when I realized one student near the front row was actually alert. He raised his hand to ask a question. I leaned forward on the lectern and acknowledged his presence.
"Pope," he said.
"What is your question?"
"Is it true that while masquerading as a born again Christian, David Boyer the plagiarist was actually stealing from at least one Christian author?"
I thought about this before answering. Where did this young man get his information?
"My doctoral dissertation was, as you know, on the topic of David Boyer and the fecal groundwater contamination in the city's water supply that could be the root cause of his plagiary... but no."
"Well, professor, it's all over the internet now that he plagiarized a story from Ellen C. Maze the Christian author."
"The bestsellling author?" I asked. I was absolutely flabberghasted.
"Yes, and he was posting her story on Storymania under one of his crappy fake names because he can't spell pseudonym."
"Crappy is not a proper name for this type of action, young man. We are scientists and must strive for precision and methodological purity in our attributions."
"Well, how would you describe it Professor?" he asked.
After a moment's thought, I pointed my finger at him and said, "It's just bullshit."
The rest of my class woke up.
Sometimes it helps to call things what they are.