Saturday, July 30, 2011
While delivering a paper explaining that comparing David Boyer, the Vincennes, Indiana plagiarist to a banana slug was not fair to this fine speciman of the genus Ariolimax, I was making the point that just because both leave behind a slimy, sticky trail it is still not scientifically justifiable to slander the slug. After all, I pointed out, banana slug mucous has an organic content and is therefore theoreticall compostable whereas David Boyer's plagiaries have only shamed the entire town of Vincennes, Indiana and turned its reputation to metaphorical dung. The value of the real over the metaphorical should be intuitively obvious to even the least discerning student.
Those students attending my lecture were either mesmerized by my didactic ability, or, as I now suspect, asleep, when I realized one student near the front row was actually alert. He raised his hand to ask a question. I leaned forward on the lectern and acknowledged his presence.
"Pope," he said.
"What is your question?"
"Is it true that while masquerading as a born again Christian, David Boyer the plagiarist was actually stealing from at least one Christian author?"
I thought about this before answering. Where did this young man get his information?
"My doctoral dissertation was, as you know, on the topic of David Boyer and the fecal groundwater contamination in the city's water supply that could be the root cause of his plagiary... but no."
"Well, professor, it's all over the internet now that he plagiarized a story from Ellen C. Maze the Christian author."
"The bestsellling author?" I asked. I was absolutely flabberghasted.
"Yes, and he was posting her story on Storymania under one of his crappy fake names because he can't spell pseudonym."
"Crappy is not a proper name for this type of action, young man. We are scientists and must strive for precision and methodological purity in our attributions."
"Well, how would you describe it Professor?" he asked.
After a moment's thought, I pointed my finger at him and said, "It's just bullshit."
The rest of my class woke up.
Sometimes it helps to call things what they are.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Professor Fyodor Borovsky later confirmed this to myself and five scruffy streetside vendors in exchange for a signed photo of Elvis.
"It is bolshoi fact Citizen Boyer is totally respnsible," he explained. "He has piled copies of his plagiarized stories on the edge of town and disguised them as a volcano. This is too much weight- the accumulated mass of his plagiaries has tilted the axis of the earth."
"Is that possible?" I asked.
"But of course!" he said. "Have you seen how many people he plagiarized?"
"Hmmm," I said.
It was a cold day in Moscow and I didn't want to be there, but stories like this are worth following to the ends of the earth.
"Yes, now you see, don't you?" he cackled.
"No, but what can be done?"
He eyed me suspiciously, then leaned over and whispered, "We must work together to fight planet tilt. Russia and China will do their part. We can plagiarize millions, maybe billions of stories. In ten or twenty years, maybe if all the Chinese work every hour of every day, we can plagiarize enough stories on this side of the ocean to tilt the planet back."
"Will it be in time to avert catastrophe?" I asked.
"I don't know," he said. "What do you want? I am no Rasputin."
"What can we in America do to help?"
"Good, good- you are excellent world citizen. Speak to this Boyer. Plead with him. Ask him to begin walking his manuscripts east across your fine country to help tilt the planet our way. It will take him 30 maybe 40,000 trips, but if he starts now, it may not be too late. Appeal to his conscience to help save the planet."
"Your plan has a flaw," I said.
"It is Russian plan. It is bolshoi good, fuck you very much. What could be wrong?"
"For starters," I pointed out, "he doesn't have a conscience."