Monday, August 8, 2011

Oh No, There Goes Tokyo!

Japanese Writer Terrified of Boyerzilla

According to early reports, Japanese fiction writers were so terrified of Boyerzilla that they were forced to conceal Mothra, Rhodan and even the mighty Godzilla in undisclosed theme parks and Putt-Putt golf courses scattered throughout the Land of the Rising Sun.  The initial effort did turn out well due to size restrictions (it's hard to hide a giant moth under a windmill).  It was not until Minister of Literacy Ichiro  Murakami conceived of hiding these three greatest of all Japanese superheroes in an exhibit called "Land of the Giants" that the general reading public was able to breathe a sigh of relief.

Hoping for another Boyergate scoop, I Skyped Minister Murakami.

"Hello," I said.  "Can you both see and hear me?"

"What are you selling?" replied the Minister.  "I already have insurance."

 I sensed a certain level of frustration in his voice. 

"I'm a reporter," I said, "hot on the trail of breaking news stories that concern David Boyer, the serial plagiarist from Vincennes, Indiana."

"I have no time for reporters.  Writers are rioting in the streets.  There is looting here.  When rumors started that the cow-tongued plagiarist David Boyer had grown to such monstrous proportions he was looking overseas for things to steal, the whole Japanese population went mad!"

"Calm down," I told him.  "I don't even think David Boyer knows where Japan is."

"How can I be calm?  Mothra is not safe.  Rhodan is not safe.  Godzilla is not safe.  I heard Boyer is writing film scripts so bad his cats use them for litter.  Soon he'll start stealing our film scripts and putting his name on them.  If he claims he wrote the script for the movie "Godzilla," our whole nation will jump into the sea.  Godzilla is Japanese.  Mothra and Rhodan are Japanese.  We live through a tidal wave and a nuclear meltdown only to have to worry about Boyerzilla stealing our stuff?!"

"Minister," I cautioned, "Boyer can't read Japanese so he's not likely to plagiarize Japanese Godzilla movies."

His image waivered as he shouted and banged his fist on the table.

"He can't write in American, but he plagiarizes Americans. What do you say to that?"

Sure, bring that up.

"He lives in Vincennes, Indiana and he plagiarizes Vincennes writers!"

"I have to admit that sounds bad," I said.

"He claims to be Christian, but he plagiarizes Christian writers!"

I had to turn down the volume on my computer speakers- they were starting to vibrate.

"But Minister Murakami- " I said, but he cut me off before I could complete my sentence.

"No buts!!!  He likes monster movies.  Our monsters are the best.   He plagiarized Dean Koontz, why wouldn't he plagiarize Godzilla?"

"Godzilla didn't write the movie scripts, Minister, He's just a monster-actor.  So Boyer wouldn't technically be plagiarizing Godzilla himself."

The icy stare he gave me was so cold I shivered.

"You mean Godzilla is a film writer?"

He nodded.

"Wow," I said.  "There's a movie script in this."

I know I shouldn't have said that because it made him so mad he spit on his webcam.  It looked like a giant mucous meteorite hurtling at me.  Then he clicked off without a word.

Hmmm.... Boyerzilla versus the Giant Mucous Meteorite.

There's a movie script in that.

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Monday, August 1, 2011

Boyer Fakes Death Hoping Someone Will Care

Please Don't Let Your Hippo Read This

Declassified documents from a Vincennes, Indiana tabloid magazine reveal that in 2004, top veterinary surgeons from all over the world were called in to save the life of Bippo the Hippo, the prize possession of the Vincennes, Indiana Zoo.

In that year, David Boyer, the feckless plagiarist from Vincennes, IN pretended to be the son of David Boyer (the mind reels when faced with such preening puerility) and wrote in to StoryMania to beg contributors to hold a "Doc" Day in memory of his late father who was actually himself (it hurts to write this).  An anonymous investigator fom the Federal Department of Stupidity suspects that Boyer actually plagiarized this idea from Bozo the Clown.

When Boyer confided this scam to Bippo the Hippo during one of his weekly visits to steal peanuts from the monkey cage, Bippo yawned so hard his jaw joints stuck in the position you see in the above evidentiary photo. 

Zoo officials feared that if Bippo could not indeed close his mouth, he would be unnable to chew.  Worse still, pigeons routinely fly over the Vincennes, Indiana zoo and drop a variety of offensive items for the rearmost portion of their anatomy.  A portable awning was quickly erected to protect Bippo's mouth.

After several tense days, a veterinary surgeon was finally able to unlock Bippo's jaw hinges by spraying them with WD-40.  Zoo officials demanded Boyer be banned from the zoo forever to protect the other animals.

Instead, the mayor of Vincennes, Indiana instructed Pigeon Air Traffic Controllers to direct their birds to alter their flight path to include Boyer's residence.

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