Boyer Makes a Stinky

A Book in the Pants is Worth... Not Much

If It's Written by David Boyer

The Everyready Plagiarist is writing a book. 

It makes perfect sense.  I'm writing a book about him.  He's terrified about the material it will reveal.  So what's a plagiarist like David Boyer to do?  Well, since he doesn't have original ideas, he steals from me.  He decides to write a book about himself, too.  Damn.  But the Vincennes, IN Plagiarist doesn't like the truth, because it makes him look bad.  So in his version, he's a victim of hideous cyber-stalkers. 

How can this be?  In his personal fairy tale, he's an honest man, villified by others, stalked by them on the Internet and even threatened by them.  There's a mob after him, you see.  He believes this religiously.  Sure he was a mass plagiarist, an online predator editor who victimized so many writers I've lost count of the total.  Why would anyone be angry with him?

Then again, David Boyer- known to many as "Can't Hitchhike Dave"- believes in his prevaricating soul that he's not a plagiarist, and if he believes that, he can believe anything.

Alien Police Close in on Boyer

At precisely eight o'clock this morning, David Boyer, the notorious Vincennes, Indiana plagiarist poured himself a cup of fresh coffee, put his tin foil hat on his head and turned the TV on as he sat down to compose a trial list of imaginary ailments to excuse his crimes.  He was in the middle of descibing his baffling allergy to Doritos as a medically documented cause of wanton plagiary, when a TV news flash caught his attention.

The astounding announcement that Gort, the most famous alien policeman of all time, was coming to Vincennes, Indiana to deliver to him an ultimatum so terrified the prevaricating plagiarist that he literally crawled across his kitchen table to get a closer look at the picture.  Fear squeezed Boyer's heart and slowed his pulse to near Yogi levels.

Dean Koontz, he thought.  Somebody must have told him that I ripped off Dean Koontz.  They love Dean Koontz.  Gort will lock me up in an asteroid until I turn into a mummy.

With his still nicotine stained fingers, Boyer turned up the volume.

"So," the announcer was asking the giant alien policeman, "is it true that you're walking to deliver a message to David Boyer on the first of April?"

"Gort, Klatu, Barada, Nikto, Boyer," said Gort.

"Is that all you know how to say?" asked the announcer.

The TV screen flashed bright red like a ruby on fire, and when the eerie radiance faded the announcer had disappeared and the visor that looked like Gort's alien eyebrows pulsed with a palpable anger as though it were ready to shoot out another terrible disintegration ray.

"Gort, Klatu, Barada, Nikto, Boyer," Gort said again.

Somebody must have told him I ripped off Clive Barker, too, thought Boyer.

Boyer and "Inked in Blood" Tied Together

What's That- Boyer's Been Caught Masquerading Again???

It's official, Boyer and "Inked in Blood" are the same.  But is he using Kelli Kelso as a man's name, a cross-gender alias or just using a real person as a front?

Who cares???

Either way, don't go in to shock.  But be sure to tell your writers and readers the news because David Boyer and his aliases have a history of plagiarizing writers and not paying what he owes.

The Plagiarst's Defense Strategy, Part Four of Four- I'm a Victim

"All I Did Was Steal a Silly Little Story"

(insert poem, novel, etc.)

How does a guilty plagiarist defend themself?  Well, in the "Book of Boyer," a short work I'm compiling subtitled "Conversations with a Serial Plagiarist," I discuss the four key tactics plagiarists use to try to skate prosecution.  Plagiarists, already embarassed by their own writing, lack of self-image and hygiene habits, are still more embarassed by having to use the first three tactics.  They're not comfortable with them, most likely because it appears to put them on the defense.  Only the fourth makes them feel like they can wear big-boy pants again.

First the famous Boyerism, "This is a private matter."  Yes, dear readers, the plagiarist actually tries to convince the victim that the professional way to handle the crime he or she has committed is to keep it secret so they don't get punished and so they can continue to steal from other people.

The second Boyerism is to attempt to diminish the victim, calling them names, saying they are lucky he stole from them and how dare they be so unprofessional as to question he or she.  Plagiairsts are better than their victims.  Frequently the plagiarists, lacking originality even in their defense tactics, will begin questioning their victim's sanity, sometimes calling them sociopaths, stalkers, and/or whatever other psychology terms they can steal from the web or their local library.

In the "Book of Boyer, Conversations with a Serial Plagiarist," I present the third plagiarist strategy which I call the "Attack of the Capital Letters."  After being in martial arts for over thirty years, I struggled to find a similar defense strategy in "The Book of Five Rings," by Myamoto Musashi or "The Art of War," by Sun Tzu.  The closest I can find is the use of shouting like a maniac being bitten on the ankles by a rabid pig in the lost works of a man known only as the Swordsman's Foot Washer.  I believe I have the only remaining copy of this work.  Boyer and other plagiarists seize on the concept of capitalizing entire words in their correspondence with their victims as though this will frighten the person they are writing to.  I asked the gang- banger down the street what this tactic meant, and he said, "The man can't get it on."  After my friend was cuffed and taken away, I realized I had completely forgotten to ask him what it meant when a plagiarist made excessive use of underlining.

But it is their fourth and final defense, which I explore in great detail in the "Book of Boyer, Conversations with a Serial Plagiarist," that they feel most comfortable employing.  Here it is.  Are you ready?

"I'm the Victim!"

Don't laugh.  Seriously, cut that out.  It's not funny.  Well, it is, sort of.  Too lazy to work when they can steal our stuff, claim our identities and run with the money?  Yeah, that's funny ha ha but not funny for real.  Plagiarists like to claim they are being stalked, harassed, persecuted.  They are just innocents being run down by an angry mob.  And their victims put the mob on them.  That's it.  The plagiarists are innocent and the victims are guilty.

Now you know the Fourth Defense.  Plagiarist as victim, victim as the guilty party.  Do they think we're stupid or what?