Friday, January 28, 2011

Boyergate Flash! Team of Surgeons Offer Conscience Transplant for Vincennes, IN Plagiarist

Me- Get a Conscience!???

Las Vegas oddsmakers are giving odds of 20:1 against the notorious plagiarist David Boyer of Vincennes, Indiana accepting a remarkable offer from the Arkham College of Neurosurgeons to attempt the world's first Conscience Transplant.

Dr. F. Lobe urged Mr. Boyer to accept the offer. 

"What's to lose?" she said.  "Talk to the man's victims- he's done nothing for them, not even admit publicly that he plagiarized them.  So I'm saying to him, like a doctor and a good mother- get a conscience, even a little one can't hurt."

Finding a conscience donor, however, could be tricky.  He will need a real conscience, one from someone recognized for their integrity to balance his morality deficit.  Scientist Sarah Bellum, PhD points out that Boyer's brain currently registers negative on the conscience scale.  "Of course," she admits, "I only scanned him from a distance.  I didn't want to get too close in case he felt tempted to steal my doctoral thesis."

This reporter contacted the Ghandi Institute in India, since the headquarters in Pontiac, MI did not return our phone calls.

"Ghandhi's dead,"  said Rasheej Gukathason, the security guard who answered the phone.  (time differences can be very tricky, even for an investigative journalist).  "His conscience is gone someplace.  Who knows where?  Don't ask me, I'm just the security guard."

"Where does the conscience go after death?" I asked.

A burst of solar radiation most likely was the cause of the dial tone that followed my question.

I later contacted a mysterious man known only as "The Donor Hunter," and he suggested that Donor Consciences could be purchased if you knew the right people.  "Charlie Sheen, for example," he said.  "He used to have a conscience, but he's not using it now.  Maybe for bond money he'll sell it if you have enough cash.  Or go to politicians.  They have absolutely no use for them.  And some of them lie better than Boyer so it would be a good match.  And they always swear they've done nothing wrong, just like he does."

"So his brain won't reject the conscience in question if it comes from an out of control actor or a sleazy politician?" 

"Exactly," said the Donor Hunter.

"But then he'll still suffer from Conscience-Deficit Syndrome," I pointed out.

The Donor Hunter's mouth dropped open.

"You thought he was going to change?"

"What was I thinking?" I said.

MySpace Tracker

No comments:

Post a Comment