Monday, January 24, 2011

BoyerGate Flash! Borg Rejects Boyer's Brain



In a radical departure from established procedure, the Borg announced this morning that it would not assimilate David Boyer's brain.  "We have to have some standards, after all," said a Borg representative the day after a proud pair of discarded work boots was absorbed into their collective.

The announcement came as a devastating blow to the Vincennes, Indiana City Council, still reeling from the almost weekly revelations of Boyer's plagiaries.  "Our image is going right down the poop slide," commented one council member who asked that his name be withheld.

The Borg are well known for their omnivorous consumption of all life forms, which are then integrated into a Unified Consciousness.  So their fear of assimilating Boyer's brain has puzzled many observers.

One possible issue is that the Borg collective must simultaneously process the thoughts of its four trillion separately integrated brains.  The concern the hive might have is that Boyer's obsession with stealing other people's stories could slow down the entire Borg brain. 

"The speed of light used to mean something," said a deprogrammed starship captain, "but if you were to throw Boyer's brain into the mix, the entire Borg could turn into a black hole."

But is there more to it, perhaps an insight from the realm of alien psychology?

"Definitely there is another aspect to this problem," said well known Alien Consciousness Psychologist Theodore Seuss, PhD. "The Borg want to ADD to their integrated intelligence, and they fear that assimilating The Vincennes plagiarist's thoughts would SUBTRACT from their collective IQ."

Asked to explain further, the great man quoted himself by saying:

"Or worse than all that…Why,
you might be a WASN’T!
A WASN’T has no fun at all.
No, he doesn’t.
A WASN'T just isn’t."

"A WASN'T," he winked, "is code for PLAGIARIST."


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