Don't Let David Boyer Touch My Story Mommy

"It's an entirely new phenomena," said Dr. Icky.

He tapped his index finger on the wall mounted coumpter screen indicating the picture of the crying little girl and her desperate mother you see above.  I felt a chill go down my spine as I realized the implications of what the doctor was saying.

"So, this is a documented, peer-reviewed study proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that David Boyer, the sleazy plagiarist from Vincennes, Indiana is the reason little girls all across the country are suffering PTSS?"

He nodded authoritatively.  Dr. Icky is Dean of Sociopathic studies at Vincennes, Indiana University. 

"Yes," he said.  "PTSS, or Pre-plagiary Traumatic Stress Syndrome as it is sometimes known, is in fact the fear that litle girls have of David Boyer touching their stories."

I wrote slowly, making sure that I  spelled PTSS properly.

"So they're afraid David Boyer will touch their writing even if he hasn't?  Why is that, doctor?"

"Ahhh, now you are thinking like a scientist," he said approvingly.

"I enjoy watching Mr. Wizard re-runs on Hulu.com," I said.

"Hmmmm..." he replied.  "Perhaps we need to schedule an appointment for you.  But we can get to that later.  For now, do you know why the woman in this photo is so upset?"

I looked closer.

"No."

"She learned David Boyer stole a story from a sixteen year old girl.  It shocked her.  It horrified her.  She told me her fear of Boyer's improper touching of other people's private things so affected her daughter that the little girl developed PTSS within days.  A sixteen year old girl- why kind of a man would steal the inner thoughts of a sixteen year old girl?"

I thought about it.

"Could it be linked to wearing a black trench coat and no pants near schoolyards?"  I asked.

Dr. Icky looked uncomfortable as tugged at his lab coat lapel.

"That's a creepy thought," he said finally.

"No," I said.  "A fifty-plus year old man hunched over a computer stealing stories from sixteen year old girls- now that's a really creepy thought."

Sewer Workers Union Protests David Boyer, the Vincennes, Indiana Plagiarist

The smell was unbelievable.

424 members of Local 185 United Gutter Cleaners of America gathered in the main hotel in Vincennes, Indiana to protest David Boyer, the Vincennes, Indiana plagiarist.

"Get Boyer out of our gutters," shouted a sallow faced man whose long nose and coal black eyes reminded me of a nasty smelling scarecrow.

There were signs everywere.

"Boyer Should Flush After Using His Brain," said one.  "Boyer Backs Up Sewers," said another.

There were no television cameras present.  Even the cable channels are ashamed of Boyer.

"Excuse me," I said to a skinny woman with thinning hair with an authoritative look.  "I'm a reporter trying to get the scoop on David Boyer the plagiarist.  Can you tell me what's going on here."

She gave me a suspicious look, then poked a finger against my chest as though trying to see if I was well done yet.

"You don't know?"

"No ma'am.  I was hoping you would tell me."

"You going to sign our petition?"

Her voice reminded of gears grinding.

"Ma'am, I'm a reporter, I can't sign anything.  My boss would take away my reporter badge."

"Management bullshit," she said.  "Well, here's the scoop Jimmy Olsen.  That no-talent plagiarist is clogging the sewers of Vincennes so there's nowhere for the doo-doo to go."

"Doo-doo?"

"That's French for shit."

"Of course.  I'm writing that down."

"Well, write this down while you're at it.  Every damn time someone buys a book from that human parasite, then finds out its plagiarized they get so mad they flush the whole damned book down the toilet.  And he's published so much plagiarized stuff that it's out of control.  Sewer system in this town is like an underground library of wet, soppy, bad smelling books.  Let your imagination run wild, slick.  You want to go down and see for yourself?"

I began backing away.

"No, no thank you.  I have an appointment for a root canal I don't want to miss."

"Uh-huh.  Well, you might think this isn't a big news story now, but it's going on all of the country.  More people every day are finding out his stuff is stuffed with plagiarisms and they end up flushing them down the commode.  Getting dangerous underground  I heard reports sewers backing up all over the country.  That's the real reason we got a recession.  That's why they say the economy's going down the sewer.  Think about it."

But I didn't have time to think.

I had to find a town where the toilets still worked or I was in trouble.

The April Fool and Two New "Pin the Tail on the Plagiarist" Contests

Come On.
  Guess the Fool.

Yes, it's true.  David Boyer actually worried what the Gort revelation was.  April Fool's, David!
  
He must have have come here a 100 times on April First to see if I'd found the source behind the rumor that he plagiarized Stephen King.  Paranoia is a terrible thing.  No alien policeman in his right mind would ever cross the galaxy to speak with Boyer.  To abduct Britney Spears and Charlie Sheen- absolutely!  But to talk to a plagiarist like David Boyer of Vincennes, Indiana?  Nah.

So what have I been up to?  I've been working on my book about David Boyer the mass plagiarst.  One of the people in his home town confided in me the surprising reason David is known by some as "Can't Hitchhike Dave." Also in my research I've uncovered what a former teacher thinks brought about Dave's self-defeating behavior and why it should embarass the whole town.

More to come as I keep stringing the facts together.  I have what to call the book already, and I'll announce it right after I pay the winner of the "Name the Book About Dave" contest. 
And since the title contest was so successful, I'm following it with two more contests!!.  I'm offering two research contest awards for $250.00 each.  Both are good until December 31st, 2011.  To begin with, I'll pay $250 to the first person to uncover and prove to me the real identity of the notorious plagiarist "Richard Ridyard."   No one has ever cracked his identity, and he (or she) is a real sleaze.  That answer will get you major cudos in the publishing industry, too.

Next, I've heard it rumored that David Boyer,, under one of his many aliases, plagiarized Clive Barker.  So I'll also pay $250 to anyone that can provide the proof of same to my satisfaction since I'd like to include the results in the book about Boyer.

Said proof must be obtained legally and with no cyberstalking and such because I want to make sure they're clean catches.  So each of you are responsible for your own research actions. As independent researchers, you are personally responsible for obeying all state and federal laws.  Please don't be deluging people with letters and emails.  Instead, look for what's posted on line.  The answers are there.  He's an internet person who can't stop trying to work his scams in the electronic world.  Within the last three months he was self-publishing a plagiarized Dean Koontz story and selling it over the internet.  He can't help himself. 

And remember, there are a lot of people looking for this proof.  You've watched all those TV detective shows.  You know how to do it!

Don't write Boyer or harass him.  His own guilt gives him enough headaches.  He's been reduced (don't laugh) to writing screenplays about getting his revenge against people who have exposed him as a plagiarist.  Very manly.

Yes I'm offering real research money.  So web detectives, go to it!  I'm itching to pay out the cash.

And David Boyer, you're welcome to participate!

Alien Policeman Arrives with Message for Plagiaist David Boyer!

Gort, Klatu, Barada Boyer

YouTube viewers were held spellbound by the sight of history's most famous blind police alien- known affectionately as "Gort"- walking across Lake Michigan toward Vincennes, Indiana to deliver the notorious plagiarist David Boyer a message from the InterGalactic Council of Federated Planets.

Lady Gaga was heard to say, "Love that hat."

In fact, according to Dr. T. Foil, of the University of Vincennes, the hat serves a utilitarian function acting as a collecting transceiver to absorb the bright yellow rays emitted from his "tie" (perhaps a cleverly disguised alien device that our poor human minds only interpret as a tie) so that Gort's alien brain can interpret the signals and provide him with the coordinates of his position so he doesn't get lost.

"I don't go with that metaphor thing," said Dr. Foil.  "Sure the great plagiarist is also known as 'Tin Foil Dave,' so it could be interpreted by people with a literature degree that its really symbolic of homage to Mr. Boyer, but that thing on Gort's head looks more as though it was either constructed from the residual matter scatter of an exploding supernova or shiny matter from a  supercollider."

He paused, shoved a Q-Tip in his ear, and added, "Did you ever notice how often we scientists use the word super?"

A large crowd of reporters gathered on the shoreline to await Gort's arrival.  The brisk wind of earlier morning had died down, but nervous tension filled the air.  Imagine, we would be the first humans to pose questions to the great Gort.

"How do you suppose he does it?"  a perky cub reporter asked me.

"Hovercraft shoes," I said.  "Only way to walk on water. Got to use good batteries though."

"Not that," she laughed.  "I mean how can he find his way across the galaxy when he's blind?"
 
It was a good point, of course.  I'd worn blind-guy glasses in a bar once to pick up co-eds, but after the first hour of dark shades and tapping a cane to find my way around, I started believing I was blind, so I had to quit and pretend I was rich instead.

"I got a better question," I said.

That got her attention. She pulled a red curl back behind her ear and asked me what it was.

"Ever wonder what he's going to tell the plagiarist?   Word is he's got a warning for Boyer."

"Do you know something that I don't?"

I knew I had her.  She wasn't going to let me alone until told her what I knew.

The crowd was starting to get noisy.  Gort was only twenty feet away from the shoreline, walking on water like he was born to, his dark sunglasses aiming straight at us.

The entire City Council of Vincennes, IN had driven up to be here to witness the last leg of the alien top cop's pilgrimage.  They were carrying signs that read, "We don't know anyone named Boyer."

The redhead poked me in the ribs.  "So what's Gort going to tell him?"

"Ask me in four weeks," I said.

"Why four weeks?"

"I'll tell you on April first."

And I'll tell the rest of you on April 1st, too.

Boyergate Flash- Boyer Chokes Chicken!

Friends and family were distraught by news regarding the unexpected death of Bart the Chicken at a Vincennes, Indiana landfill yesterday.  Although police are still investigating the popular bird's passing, they have not collected sufficient evidence to rule out foul play.

"An unidentified suspect dumped a printout of Boyer's plagiarisms, lies, misrepresentations and copyright infringements in the landfill at the edge of town sometime late Thursday night" said the detective in charge of the WTF investigative squad.  "It was a huge amount of paper and Bart just loved to eat paper.  Lots of birds do.  I had a crow that ate my grandmother's recipe for Plagiary Pie a year back.  We had to pump the poor little guy's stomach.  And that was only three pages!"

"Can you tell this reporter how many pages were printed out of Boyer's plagiaries?"  I asked.

The detective cocked his head toward the brooding Indiana sky as though looking for guidance.

"Well," he said finally, "a scientist from Vincennes University told us if you took all the ink used to print out his plagiaries, poured it into a giant spaceship and dumped it on the sun you could cause a complete and total eclipse that might destroy all life on planet Earth for a thousand years."

"Wow,"  I said.

"That's what I said," he agreed.  "And remember, Bart the Chicken only ate a fraction of Boyer's printed plagiaries.  If he ate all the pages or, say we stuffed them down his beak with a plunger, why there'd be such an explosion we'd have feathers from here to New Jersey."

"And chicken shit,"  I added.

Since I've been investigating Boyer's plagiaries, I think of that phrase every time I hear his name.

Boyergate Flash! Team of Surgeons Offer Conscience Transplant for Vincennes, IN Plagiarist

Me- Get a Conscience!???

Las Vegas oddsmakers are giving odds of 20:1 against the notorious plagiarist David Boyer of Vincennes, Indiana accepting a remarkable offer from the Arkham College of Neurosurgeons to attempt the world's first Conscience Transplant.

Dr. F. Lobe urged Mr. Boyer to accept the offer. 

"What's to lose?" she said.  "Talk to the man's victims- he's done nothing for them, not even admit publicly that he plagiarized them.  So I'm saying to him, like a doctor and a good mother- get a conscience, even a little one can't hurt."

Finding a conscience donor, however, could be tricky.  He will need a real conscience, one from someone recognized for their integrity to balance his morality deficit.  Scientist Sarah Bellum, PhD points out that Boyer's brain currently registers negative on the conscience scale.  "Of course," she admits, "I only scanned him from a distance.  I didn't want to get too close in case he felt tempted to steal my doctoral thesis."

This reporter contacted the Ghandi Institute in India, since the headquarters in Pontiac, MI did not return our phone calls.

"Ghandhi's dead,"  said Rasheej Gukathason, the security guard who answered the phone.  (time differences can be very tricky, even for an investigative journalist).  "His conscience is gone someplace.  Who knows where?  Don't ask me, I'm just the security guard."

"Where does the conscience go after death?" I asked.

A burst of solar radiation most likely was the cause of the dial tone that followed my question.

I later contacted a mysterious man known only as "The Donor Hunter," and he suggested that Donor Consciences could be purchased if you knew the right people.  "Charlie Sheen, for example," he said.  "He used to have a conscience, but he's not using it now.  Maybe for bond money he'll sell it if you have enough cash.  Or go to politicians.  They have absolutely no use for them.  And some of them lie better than Boyer so it would be a good match.  And they always swear they've done nothing wrong, just like he does."

"So his brain won't reject the conscience in question if it comes from an out of control actor or a sleazy politician?" 

"Exactly," said the Donor Hunter.

"But then he'll still suffer from Conscience-Deficit Syndrome," I pointed out.

The Donor Hunter's mouth dropped open.

"You thought he was going to change?"

"What was I thinking?" I said.

BoyerGate Flash! Borg Rejects Boyer's Brain

In a radical departure from established procedure, the Borg announced this morning that it would not assimilate David Boyer's brain.  "We have to have some standards, after all," said a Borg representative the day after a proud pair of discarded work boots was absorbed into their collective.

The announcement came as a devastating blow to the Vincennes, Indiana City Council, still reeling from the almost weekly revelations of Boyer's plagiaries.  "Our image is going right down the poop slide," commented one council member who asked that his name be withheld.

The Borg are well known for their omnivorous consumption of all life forms, which are then integrated into a Unified Consciousness.  So their fear of assimilating Boyer's brain has puzzled many observers.

One possible issue is that the Borg collective must simultaneously process the thoughts of its four trillion separately integrated brains.  The concern the hive might have is that Boyer's obsession with stealing other people's stories could slow down the entire Borg brain. 

"The speed of light used to mean something," said a deprogrammed starship captain, "but if you were to throw Boyer's brain into the mix, the entire Borg could turn into a black hole."

But is there more to it, perhaps an insight from the realm of alien psychology?

"Definitely there is another aspect to this problem," said well known Alien Consciousness Psychologist Theodore Seuss, PhD. "The Borg want to ADD to their integrated intelligence, and they fear that assimilating The Vincennes plagiarist's thoughts would SUBTRACT from their collective IQ."

Asked to explain further, the great man quoted himself by saying:

"Or worse than all that…Why,
you might be a WASN’T!
A WASN’T has no fun at all.
No, he doesn’t.
A WASN'T just isn’t."

"A WASN'T," he winked, "is code for PLAGIARIST."

Boyergate Flash! Bigfoot Angry at David Boyer

Bigfoot Needed a Ride to Vincennes, Indiana

But Developed Engine Trouble Along the Way

David Boyer is in trouble with Bigfoot.  Bigfoot's dream, you see, is to be a writer.

"He ruin market," the seismic-sized Sasquatch told me.

I had to run to keep up with him.  Being ten foot tall, his stride was enormous.  We were on our way through Ohio to meet the man voted America's most sleazy plagiarist in his home town of Vincennes, Indiana.  The town council of Vincennes also voted last week on a resolution re Boyer to change the town's motto to "David Boyer doesn't live here, he's just passing through."

"Had you thought of basketball?" I shouted at my interviewee as we crested another of Ohio's annoying hills.  "There's lots of money in basketball for a guy your size."

"Bigfoot no punk yeti!  Bigfoot aim big.  Be writer like Stephen King."

His words rumbled across the open land like thunder and his eyes were red-yellow and fierce.  I resisted the urge to look down and see if he really did have big feet or whether they were just proportional to his height.

"And what is your quarrel with David Boyer?" I asked and added, "Could we sit down on a stump or something?  I'm out of breath."

The gentle giant stopped and looked at me apologetically.  "Sorry," he said.  "Bigfoot no fit in car.  And cheap foreign flying saucer crap out over Toledo."

We found a stump large enough in diameter to support his behind and a log for me to sit on.  He sat down rather quietly for a creature weighing over twelve hundred pounds.  And in the afternoon sun, he actually looked dignified except for his face being completely covered with fur and those big teeth.  Perhaps by email I'll suggest he consider cologne as a wardrobe accessory as well.

"So," I continued, "why are you meeting with Mr. Boyer?"

"Bigfoot have writer's block," he said, casting his eyes toward the ground.  "Can't write worth beef jerky." 

"Wait, do you expect a man who defrauds consumers by selling plagiarized work to help you overcome writer's block?  He's a terrible horror writer.  He told me so in an email."

"He no have writer's block.  Bigfoot have writer's block."

I stood up and walked over to my new friend.

"You don't need to go see Boyer,"  I said.  "I can tell you why Boyer doesn't have writer's block when it comes to published fiction."

"You can?" he said, with a huge smile and a mouthful of blocky teeth.  "You make Bigfoot very happy."

"Sure,"  I said.  "His own fiction was so bad it was hard to get published, so he just started stealing other people's work and publishing that under his name or one of his aliases.  That way he didn't have to deal with writer's block.  You see?  He was a publisher.  Writers submitted their work and he just stole their stories.  That's in addition to stealing from writers on StoryMania."

Bigfoot said nothing for a few minutes, then he stood, beat his chest and howled a terrifying scream.

"What? What?" I yelled in a panic.

"Bigfoot put story up on StoryMania."

Uh-oh, I thought.

Boyergate Flash- Aliens Arrive in Vincennes, Indiana to Sign InterGalactic Treaty with Notorious Plagiarist!

Waiting for the Arrival

of

"The Great One"

The town of Vincennes, Indiana became instantly famous today with the confidential admission of a city official that an entepreneurial mission of Aliens from the Snicker's galaxy has arrived to sign a contract with the city's most notorious and prolific plagiarist.

This reporter was priveleged to interview the lead alien negotiator.

In response to my first question, "Hello, what is your name?" he responded "$@&***(^"

A thirteen year old boy with strawberry blond hair was called in to run the alien's answer through Google Voice and Language Translator, which rendered it as "I'm a good boy."

Further calibration of the Google translator gave us this version, "Where is the Great Plagiarist of Vincennes, Indiana?"

"He's running late," I told him. "It's hard work creating fake identities to hide behind when you're selling stolen work. And it's time consuming when you have to lie to the authors, claim a mob of cyberstalkers is after you, tell people your computer was hacked, and even pretend it's not your fault if you inadvertantly used their stories. He'll explain it to you when he gets here."

"$$-^^^^_+!!!," said the alien.

The teenager translated, "Maybe he said goody goody?"

"Why do you want to be trained in the art of plagiarism and copyright infringement?" I asked.

The alien ambassador grew excited and waved his arms up and down while making a hooting noise. His entourage did the same. It was like they were having an extraterrestrial orgasm.

"Wow," said the kid. "They're saying that there's been no theft on their world. They never thought of stealing until the Great Plagiarist contacted them with a potato powered radio transmitter and offered to scan all of earth's books and give it to them for a percentage of the proceeds when they sell them throughout the universe."

"How much do the authors get?" I asked the kid, who duly ran my request through the Google Voice and Language translator.

After my question was translated, the aliens responded with a raucus chorus of owl sounds punctuated by all of them pointing at what I think were their crotches.

"What?" I asked.

"I think they're busting a gut," said the kid.

Suddenly, I knew why it was worth it for them to travel all the way across the galaxy to consult with the Great One of Plagiarism. With any luck, they would take him back with them.

Boyergate Flash- Teen-Aged Genetic Archaeologists Discover Plagiary Genes!

Plagiary Genes

Uncovered in Vincennes, Indiana

Last week, a group of teen-aged genetic archaelogists were shocked to discover what could be the genes that cause a bad writer posing as a publisher to plagiarize.  Authorities are searching for the owner of the genes.  "Somebody wore them," said an un-identified source in the Vincennes Police Department.  "Sooner or later they'll run out of identities to hide behind."

Marie Cruz, noted expert in posing as people she's not, said, "These kids should get a medal.  If they've located the precursor genetic strands that cause people to steal intellectual property and claim it as their own, we need to name something after them.  Like maybe a prison or something."

Names of the young scientists are not being released until they secure a media agent.

"This is the second major discovery of plagiary roots in the State of Indiana in the last seven or eight months," said Professor Steven Ricecakes.  "First that Caswell thing.  That was bad enough.  I thought we were going to have to change the name of the state it was so embarassing.  Then along comes David Boyer.  Ouch.  Now we really need to change the state name.  You think people in Indiana want the rest of the world to know they live in the same state as Caswell and David Boyer?"

In fact, investigators from the Human Genoming Project are thinking of sending water pollution experts to Vincennes, Indiana, to determine if contaminated water could be the "Patient Zero" of the recent outbreak of Plagiarizing Publishers that have humiliated the whole state.

Director Tanya Sterilize says it's dangerous work looking into stupidity.  "I tell my investigators not to drink the water when they're in off the grid little towns like Vincennes, Indiana or they could end up stealing stuff and selling it under an alias.  Maybe it's not a gene causing this thing but some kind of squirming little parasite in the water.  Think about it- you are what you  drink.  If you've got parasites in your water, you'll get parasites in your stomach and sooner or later in your head."

Boyergate Flash! Puppet Boy Claims He Wrote "Macbeth"

The Plywood Plagiarist

*****

I first interviewed the man now known as the "Plywood Plagiarist" a few weeks ago.  We talked on and off the record for a few days.  The interviews went well enough and he proved himself naturally photogenic for the story cover shot. But by the time the series was done, I felt he looked somehow different from the man I interviewed on that first day.  His appearance seemed to change as he spoke about his "inadvertent use of other people's stories."

But one thing was clear- if he kept on lying long enough, I'd have to rename him Boyernocchio.

The David Boyer Web Identity Look-Alike Contest

I'm Giving Away a Red Ball Nose

to the Best Web Detective

Yes, it's the Holidays!  And to honor the season,  Plagiarism Watchfires is giving away a Red Ball Nose worn by Rudolph himself to the Web Detective who can track down the most David Boyer online web identities and websites.  His constant shifting of identities (is Jack Sawyer his latest?) makes for great detecting fun.  What- you don't have experience as Web Detective?  Don't worry- it's a learnable trade.

Let's do a training session to show you how it's done.  First, do you have your Web Browser ready and your brain cells warmed up?  Okay, here's your first training exercise.  You'll have to start on it soon, before he starts taking the evidence off the web.

The Clues
1. Go to http://www.forrybook.webs.com/
2. Hit the About the Author tab where you can see all about David Boyer (and a few of his aliases).
3. Notice the glowing reviews of himself.
4. See the link near the bottom for a book called "Hot and Horrifying" by by David Boyer http://bearmanormedia.bizland.com/id527.html

Now for the fun part.  Want to see yet another Boyer identity??  Do the following:

The Detecting
5.  Go to http://hotandhorrifyingbook.webs.com/
6.  Don't feel bad if it hurts your eyes- that just means you're normal
7.  Notice the editor "Jack Sawyer." 
8.  Realize that in the earlier link on http://bearmanormedia.bizland.com/id527.html the editor was David Boyer.
9.  Using basic pattern analysis, you think you've found a pattern.  David Boyer could equal Jack Sawyer??
10.  What about the other editor Nicole Kruex?  Extraneous data, Watson, except for what it reveals about the Street Psychology of our Plagiarist.  More on that later.

Remember, Web Detectives:  You can always track a plagiarist by their ego.

The Cooks Source Copyright Violation- A Video Commentary

I Believe This Says it All
video presentation courtesy of Nemspy