Oh No, There Goes Tokyo!

Japanese Writer Terrified of Boyerzilla

According to early reports, Japanese fiction writers were so terrified of Boyerzilla that they were forced to conceal Mothra, Rhodan and even the mighty Godzilla in undisclosed theme parks and Putt-Putt golf courses scattered throughout the Land of the Rising Sun.  The initial effort did turn out well due to size restrictions (it's hard to hide a giant moth under a windmill).  It was not until Minister of Literacy Ichiro  Murakami conceived of hiding these three greatest of all Japanese superheroes in an exhibit called "Land of the Giants" that the general reading public was able to breathe a sigh of relief.

Hoping for another Boyergate scoop, I Skyped Minister Murakami.

"Hello," I said.  "Can you both see and hear me?"

"What are you selling?" replied the Minister.  "I already have insurance."

 I sensed a certain level of frustration in his voice. 

"I'm a reporter," I said, "hot on the trail of breaking news stories that concern David Boyer, the serial plagiarist from Vincennes, Indiana."

"I have no time for reporters.  Writers are rioting in the streets.  There is looting here.  When rumors started that the cow-tongued plagiarist David Boyer had grown to such monstrous proportions he was looking overseas for things to steal, the whole Japanese population went mad!"

"Calm down," I told him.  "I don't even think David Boyer knows where Japan is."

"How can I be calm?  Mothra is not safe.  Rhodan is not safe.  Godzilla is not safe.  I heard Boyer is writing film scripts so bad his cats use them for litter.  Soon he'll start stealing our film scripts and putting his name on them.  If he claims he wrote the script for the movie "Godzilla," our whole nation will jump into the sea.  Godzilla is Japanese.  Mothra and Rhodan are Japanese.  We live through a tidal wave and a nuclear meltdown only to have to worry about Boyerzilla stealing our stuff?!"

"Minister," I cautioned, "Boyer can't read Japanese so he's not likely to plagiarize Japanese Godzilla movies."

His image waivered as he shouted and banged his fist on the table.

"He can't write in American, but he plagiarizes Americans. What do you say to that?"

Sure, bring that up.

"He lives in Vincennes, Indiana and he plagiarizes Vincennes writers!"

"I have to admit that sounds bad," I said.

"He claims to be Christian, but he plagiarizes Christian writers!"

I had to turn down the volume on my computer speakers- they were starting to vibrate.

"But Minister Murakami- " I said, but he cut me off before I could complete my sentence.

"No buts!!!  He likes monster movies.  Our monsters are the best.   He plagiarized Dean Koontz, why wouldn't he plagiarize Godzilla?"

"Godzilla didn't write the movie scripts, Minister, He's just a monster-actor.  So Boyer wouldn't technically be plagiarizing Godzilla himself."

The icy stare he gave me was so cold I shivered.

"You mean Godzilla is a film writer?"

He nodded.

"Wow," I said.  "There's a movie script in this."

I know I shouldn't have said that because it made him so mad he spit on his webcam.  It looked like a giant mucous meteorite hurtling at me.  Then he clicked off without a word.

Hmmm.... Boyerzilla versus the Giant Mucous Meteorite.

There's a movie script in that.

The Plagiarst's Defense Strategy, Part Four of Four- I'm a Victim

"All I Did Was Steal a Silly Little Story"

(insert poem, novel, etc.)

How does a guilty plagiarist defend themself?  Well, in the "Book of Boyer," a short work I'm compiling subtitled "Conversations with a Serial Plagiarist," I discuss the four key tactics plagiarists use to try to skate prosecution.  Plagiarists, already embarassed by their own writing, lack of self-image and hygiene habits, are still more embarassed by having to use the first three tactics.  They're not comfortable with them, most likely because it appears to put them on the defense.  Only the fourth makes them feel like they can wear big-boy pants again.

First the famous Boyerism, "This is a private matter."  Yes, dear readers, the plagiarist actually tries to convince the victim that the professional way to handle the crime he or she has committed is to keep it secret so they don't get punished and so they can continue to steal from other people.

The second Boyerism is to attempt to diminish the victim, calling them names, saying they are lucky he stole from them and how dare they be so unprofessional as to question he or she.  Plagiairsts are better than their victims.  Frequently the plagiarists, lacking originality even in their defense tactics, will begin questioning their victim's sanity, sometimes calling them sociopaths, stalkers, and/or whatever other psychology terms they can steal from the web or their local library.

In the "Book of Boyer, Conversations with a Serial Plagiarist," I present the third plagiarist strategy which I call the "Attack of the Capital Letters."  After being in martial arts for over thirty years, I struggled to find a similar defense strategy in "The Book of Five Rings," by Myamoto Musashi or "The Art of War," by Sun Tzu.  The closest I can find is the use of shouting like a maniac being bitten on the ankles by a rabid pig in the lost works of a man known only as the Swordsman's Foot Washer.  I believe I have the only remaining copy of this work.  Boyer and other plagiarists seize on the concept of capitalizing entire words in their correspondence with their victims as though this will frighten the person they are writing to.  I asked the gang- banger down the street what this tactic meant, and he said, "The man can't get it on."  After my friend was cuffed and taken away, I realized I had completely forgotten to ask him what it meant when a plagiarist made excessive use of underlining.

But it is their fourth and final defense, which I explore in great detail in the "Book of Boyer, Conversations with a Serial Plagiarist," that they feel most comfortable employing.  Here it is.  Are you ready?

"I'm the Victim!"

Don't laugh.  Seriously, cut that out.  It's not funny.  Well, it is, sort of.  Too lazy to work when they can steal our stuff, claim our identities and run with the money?  Yeah, that's funny ha ha but not funny for real.  Plagiarists like to claim they are being stalked, harassed, persecuted.  They are just innocents being run down by an angry mob.  And their victims put the mob on them.  That's it.  The plagiarists are innocent and the victims are guilty.

Now you know the Fourth Defense.  Plagiarist as victim, victim as the guilty party.  Do they think we're stupid or what?